As an OT just out of grad school, I felt like I just didn’t have a good handle at all on child development. There were SO many milestones, it felt both impossible and imperative that I memorize all of them. It was also super tricky because it wasn’t like every developmental checklist was the same. 

I found so often that I was making recommendations based on anxiety. What if something was wrong and I was missing it? What if there was a milestone the child should be meeting but I just didn’t know about it? I felt like I had no real idea what typical development looked like, because it seemed like I could always justify therapy. And I really didn’t know what to do when a parent wasn’t concerned but a child wasn’t meeting all of the milestones for their age. It always seemed they were behind in something. 

Too often I was left wondering – am I even making a difference? It feels like this child is making his own progress, and I’m an over-specialized babysitter. Tired of being constantly on the lookout for deficit, the places where the child wasn’t up to snuff – because I was so fearful that I could be blamed for inadequate developmental growth because I missed something. In hindsight, I can see the problems with all of this – but at the time these feelings were very real for me.

And then I became a parent. I was committed to doing the absolute best for my baby. I would make sure she had all the opportunities and toys available to her to meet her milestones “healthfully” – which face it, meant fast. I was convinced that since I was an OT, and especially because I was a baby and toddler OT, I would master this mom thing.

It took approximately 30 seconds into my daughter being on this side of the world with me for that illusion to begin fading. She didn’t latch well for breastfeeding initially…and then continued to struggle with latching for months.

The list started with feeding, but quickly included sleep, motor milestones, language and tantrums. In everything I referenced the experts I had referenced professionally, and doled out the same advice I had doled out to parents for years. And guess what – none of it worked. 

Instead of blaming the advice, though – just like many good mothers – I blamed myself. I wasn’t a good therapist, and I wasn’t a good mom.

If I’m honest – this blame turned into shame disguised as depression and resentment. The more my daughter grew, the less any of the things I was taught about child development seemed to make sense. Between sleep deprivation, toddler tantrums, marital tension from parenting differently (*read, me being a total control freak about the “right way” to parent, and my husband being totally flabbergasted), unreasonable expectations on myself for “optimizing my child’s development,” and working with other people’s children all day and giving advice that often felt disingenuous given my own experience at home – I hit a big, fat wall of burnout.

And the truth is – it lasted a while.

I finally started to climb over the wall unexpectedly. I had run across a book before vacation that I’d seen a few times but resisted – it was a parenting book written by a reporter, and so I scoffed at it. Who was she to know anything about parenting? She was no developmental expert. But it kept popping up, and getting good reviews, so I stopped being a snob and gave it a try.

Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaleen Doucleff ended up being a life-line in disguise for me. It made me begin to question the entire package of child development I’d been handed both culturally and through education – and inspired me to learn where it all came from. 

I think sometimes things hit people in serendipitous ways. I’m not sure if that book would have had the same effect on me 10 years ago. But it’s no understatement to say it changed my life when I did read it. It was just the right moment.

What’s resulted from reading that one book (and a hundred plus texts since) has been a total renewal of my passion for children and families and for helping. But I have an entirely new way of thinking about how we need to be doing that – and it looks a lot different than most of what we do now.

If re-frames and new knowledge and good discussions and disagreeing with integrity and kindness are up you’re alley… I hope you’ll consider joining The Joy Collective for this brand new first round. Doors open soon, and we’re going to co-create the experience together. It’s a small education + discussion group and will become itself during this first round. Sign up on the interest list here to get first dibs (space is limited).

Also – did you know I send a weekly email every Friday? I do 🙂 It’s my favorite thing I write each week. If you love notes from friends, then you’ll love these. Sign up here.