I took an informal survey of parents across the United States who had received early intervention therapy for their child and asked…what did you love about working with some therapists? What did you hate about working with others? And guess what? Their answers had consistent patterns, with 3 key things showing up over and over again. I’ll break down these 3 things parents told me they loved about working with some therapists (and what they hated about working with others) so you can walk away with clear ideas to connect with families in your own practice.

1. IT’S COOL TO BE KIND

A sulky waiter will ruin any dining experience. You’re all dressed up, maybe with people you love or someone cute, and the table looks so pretty and inviting. You take a look at the wine list, smile as you see the waiter approach, only for the mood to tank as soon as he arrives. Dour face, no sense of humor, a distracted and tired look around the restaurant. Do you want something to drink? Are you ready to order?

UGH.

Well, parents feel the same way about us. The most consistent trait described by parents for therapists they loved: kind. Also described as engaging, warm, patient and empathetic. 

Parents described therapists who got down on their child’s level, smiled, and made the family feel like they were important in the moment to them. Beloved therapists were remembered for listening, and being present during sessions. Kindness, parents say, looks like being encouraging, sharing what’s going well, bringing positive energy and being genuine.

None of these things are particularly tangible (outside of smiling). Kindness embodies “soft skills” that require fluidity in the moment, managing our own responses and needs, and practicing mindful attention in the moment. But parents are very clear: kind matters.

It matters so much that parents say they hate working with therapists who they describe as: cold, distracted, abrupt, rigid, demanding, unreasonable (expectations), harsh with their child, impatient, and easily frustrated. Basically – the opposite of “kind.”

The truth is, we don’t always have “on” days – sometimes we do get distracted, or frustrated, or feel impatient. But if we’re having these days more often than not, it’s time to take a break and re-assess. And the good news? Leading with kindness is a skill that can be refined, and practicing it can strengthen your therapeutic relationships with parents.

2. KNOW YOUR STUFF

My friend has this dog she’s had since college. The dog is old, but recently has gotten stinkier than one would reasonably expect with an old dog. She took her to the local vet, who told her something generic and sent her home with some meds. After a few days of my friend giving the dog the meds, the dog got much, much worse. My friend called the local vet back, just to be told the same thing. So – my friend did what all 21st century dog-moms do…she googled “what the hell is wrong with my dog?” Or something similar.

She didn’t get that answer from Google -but she did find a hoity-toity vet in a not-too-far-away hoity-toity city that would hopefully have hoity-toity knowledge even if she had to pay hoity-toity prices. She went to said vet, described her concerns, and the vet agreed to explore further what could be afflicting the dog. It turned out to be some type of skin infection that requires a very specific treatment regimen. Medicinal shampoos, oral meds and topical treatment. Something that would need to be managed the rest of the dog’s life.

Not good news. But at least accurate news, that could then be addressed appropriately. 

My friend didn’t really need that local vet to know everything – she just needed him to realize there was a gap in his knowledge (and then work to fill it!). Instead, that vet gave the same answer that fit his existing knowledge framework. My friend recognized his lack of current knowledge, and went looking somewhere else. 

Here’s the thing – not one single parent in my survey said their therapist needed to be hoity-toity. They said not one thing about how the therapist looked, or how expensive the services were. But they DID say – the therapist needed to know their stuff. 

The words and phrases parents used included: knowledgeable, informative, gave me ideas to try, explained things well, and provided education. They also said they appreciated “accurate” assessments and “getting to the point” of the matter. In other words – parents noticed when therapists could communicate confidently and clearly because their knowledge base was solid. It is very, very hard (impossible?) to communicate something simply that you don’t fully understand yourself. 

And you guessed it – parents know it when we don’t know our stuff. They report hating to work with therapists who: give them canned responses, don’t seem to know what they’re doing during sessions (parents will compare!), give conflicting information, fail to communicate what’s being worked on during therapy and how progress is being tracked, fail to have a good understanding of what’s appropriate for a child’s current ability level (trying to rush skills), and losing control of sessions.

Knowledge is not a static thing that’s mastered. If you graduated from school 10 years ago, and haven’t studied anything about child development since, it’s inevitable there are gaps in your knowledge. We must continue learning in order to communicate not only with confidence (as the local vet did), but with confidence and accuracy (like the hoity-toity one). If we do that, then we give those First Class vibes to parents.

3. BE PROFESSIONAL

If you know a good home contractor, send them my way. Any number of bad jokes are told about contractors because they are so reliably awful. Responsive until they have the job, then you hear nothing from them. Says something will happen on a specific day, and then inexplicably keeps pushing the date back. Says something will cost a certain amount, which magically inflates during every subsequent conversation. Says they’ll come at a certain time – never, ever shows up on time (or some times, ever.) 

If there was a mediocre contractor who was super, duper professional – came when they said they would, responded to calls and questions, and actually completed the job as promised…they’d have a never-ending waitlist of customers.

Professionalism matters. When you work on people’s homes, when you’re changing tires, when you’re running mammography equipment, when you’re counseling divorcees. And when you’re working with families of young children. 

Parents were very clear. They noticed and appreciated therapists who were on time, communicated with them after sessions, were responsive to their questions, and were accountable for the effectiveness of what they were doing. If something wasn’t working, they would be transparent about this, and willing to change direction.

And, like the rest of us – parents also really hate working with therapists who don’t practice professional behavior. They specifically commented on therapists who always run 5-10 minutes late, are rushed, don’t respond to messages or calls, and don’t communicate after sessions.

The good news here? Professionalism is valuable in any role, and there’s a good chance we know exactly what we can do to strengthen that part of our relationships with parents. Text if we’re going to be late, and don’t make it a habit. Or set expectations from the beginning that driving can be unpredictable, so they can expect you’ll arrive within a 10 minute time frame. Be aware of scheduling so you can fully wrap up a session. Lay out clear guidelines at the beginning so parents know what they can expect from you in terms of communication.

That’s it friend – kindness, knowledge and professionalism were the most frequently cited things parents told me they love when working with therapists. Lead with these things (and avoid their opposites), and immediately strengthen your connection with parents (and children!) 

These 3 were the most common, but parents had plenty more to say –  curious what else they said loved and hated? Check out all of the feedback I received in my free download – In Their Own Words: Survey Results.